Poetry on the Hoof: Best Excuses (dedicated to David Moyes)

The dog ate my homework,
I didn’t have time,
My shirt didn’t fit
I thought it looked fine.

You said it was Tuesday but it was in fact Thursday.

I forgot to get up,
The battery was flat,
I didn’t know you had to ask,
I didn’t know life was like that.

I turned up on time but my friend had disappeared.

I expected something harder,
I expected something easier,
I expected some advice,
I expected to be looked after.

I expected something in ice or at least its equivalent.

I couldn’t put the heating on,
The switches wouldn’t switch,
The rails didn’t hold the weight,
The plane seats just made me itch.

The lines forgot to get in line and you lot gave up at that point.

It was the wrong kind of leaves,
The wrong kind of rain,
The wrong kind of snow,
The wrong kind of pain.

Someone said that someone left the cake out in the rain so I panicked.

The brief was too tight,
The brief was too wide,
My trousers didn’t fit,
My shirt hadn’t dried.

The stains got into my blood stream without asking permission.

If only if only if only if only,

We could have made the paper bigger,
We could have been given more time,
We could have had a budget,
(You should have taken mine)

If only if only if only if only,

We could have been so much better,
We would have been, had we known,
If it wasn’t for extra-terrestrial forces
We would have stayed at home.

If only if only if only if only.