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The idea that we have a referendum about our membership of Europe is plainly a Very Good Thing in the current economic climate. For far too long we have had to put up with new fangled modern inventions like medicine, the law and pop music and I for one will welcome the opportunity to get us out of this mire of contemporary culture and put us firmly back in the days of olde when we all knew where we were, who we were and how we stood up without the benefit of any assistance whatsoever apart from deeply held irrational beliefs in the value of cabbage: donkeys were the only beasts that had a hard days night and we knew the pleasures of teeth pulling and appreciated the extraction of foule odours by the much maligned leach.

It’s about time we were given a say, in the best medieval democratic tradition, on our future and the markets we want to sell and buy in. Mud, pestilence and lavender will all see a resurgence on international markets when we get back control of our economic destiny.

No longer will we be subject to those Angles, Saxons, Smurfs and other members of the Awkward Squad who want to improve our lot. To them, we will say, in the best Harry Enfield voice: “If a Saxon comes up to me and says, do you want to be part of the civilised and civilsing moden world, complete with modern medicine, technology and enough food to feed the planet thirteen times over, I shall say Oi! Saxons! NO! ‘Oo do you think you are? Winston Bleeding Churchill! We shall take our cake and burn them all by ourselves thank you very much!” Bring on that referendum this minute!